Should I be crying more?
Numerous people have recently expressed their concern to me about their lack of tears in their grief experience. It may seem an obvious statement to say that each person’s grief experience is unique. But, it’s always good to have a reminder, no? It is common to cry less at the time of death, when it is expected, when there has been disease or illness. It is so common, this type of grief actually has a name, or two - anticipatory or preemptive grief.
Sudden and unexpected deaths bring a different kettle of grief fish. It brings shock and a plethora of other emotional and bodily responses.
This gorgeous article from ABC Health & Wellbeing reminds us just how ok it is to respond in ways that may surprise us, that may seem different to what we had expected.
Here’s a snippet of the article by Mal McKissock OAM
“The death of someone we love is one of the most intense emotional experiences any of us will face. So it's no surprise it's often accompanied by floods of tears.
Not everyone cries when they grieve, however – or if they do, they may cry less than they (or others) expected. But is little or no crying a reason for concern when someone's grieving?
Not necessarily, says bereavement counsellor Mal McKissock. While crying is an important part of the grieving process for many people, lack of tears shouldn't be seen as a sign something's wrong.
That's because individuals differ greatly in both their tendency to cry (under any emotional circumstances) as well as in the way they respond to the specific stress of grief; there is no right or wrong way to grieve, McKissock says.
"You ought to be allowed to cry if you feel you want to. And if you're a non-crier, you shouldn't be made to feel bad about that. What matters is that you are able to express yourself in a way that's consistent with who you are…
When we experience intense emotional distress such as the death of someone we love, our bodies produce a number of powerful painkilling chemicals – similar to heroin and morphine. And tears are one of the ways these chemicals are distributed in the body, McKissock says.
The tears carry the chemicals to the surface of our eyeballs, where they are absorbed and may serve to ease the emotional pain, and so, from an evolutionary perspective, help our survival, he says.
This may also explain why many of us – bereaved or not – feel better after a good weep.
"How many times do you sit down and have a good cry and feel better afterwards?"
When crying is blocked:
If people want to cry but are prevented, it's possible they are denied some of these natural painkillers that would otherwise help moderate their distress, McKissock argues.
"That may be a reason why it's important to be allowed to cry if you are able to when you are bereaved."
He says there is also some evidence crying may be a way of ridding the body of substances that would otherwise build up and affect our mood and wellbeing.
For instance, a build up in the brain of the chemical manganese, which is excreted through tears, has been linked with low mood and increased risk of depression, he says.
But it doesn't necessarily follow those who are 'non-criers' are worse off as, in these people, natural painkillers may be distributed, and toxins excreted, through means other than tears, he speculates.”
Help is available from many places including:
Lifeline on 13 11 14
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978