Grief & Weddings

2.5 weeks before I married my (now) Husband, his beloved Mother died very suddenly & unexpectedly. 

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life was deliver the news to Terry that his mother, Vera had died.
The shock & sadness was immense & overwhelming. The next weeks were spent in a daze. Raw grief, autopsy results, funeral preparations, family flying in from around the country, from around the world.

Somewhere in the chaos we existed in, we dared ask each other, “Do we go ahead with the wedding?”
We didn’t know, and we certainly weren’t bringing it up with the family. 
Luckily, Terry’s sisters raised the question and, together with his Father we all agreed it was the right thing to do. 
Vera was so looking forward to it, and so, if we felt up to it, we should go ahead with it. 
The relief was huge – we felt we would have her ‘blessing’ and joked that she’d be pretty pissed at us if we didn’t go ahead with it.

We did go ahead, we had two days of wedding celebrations, we were happy and sad and her absence was so keenly felt, but our grief didn’t overshadow our happiness. Our second, and biggest celebration was at a privately owned rainforest garden. As a marriage celebrant, I have since married other couples at this beautiful place. I am so happy every time I go back – it is one of our special places.
I was back there recently to marry a beautiful young couple in a very small & intimate ceremony. 
It was just days short of our 16th wedding anniversary. I was so happy to be back at the venue so close to our special date, the last thing I expected was to be hit with grief.

The Bride’s beautiful, fun, gregarious Aunt was the spitting image of Vera. She looked like her, moved like her, laughed easily like her, was open and loving like her. The resemblance hit me like a tidal wave and momentarily paralysed me.
I managed to gain my composure and re-centre myself, and stood next to this beautiful woman, who stood next to her beautiful sister - the Bride’s Mother, waiting for the Bride to arrive. 
I felt comfort and joy being with these women- as if I was being given the gift of seeing what Vera would’ve been like on our wedding day.
The ceremony was short and sweet & loving. Two young people so easily and eagerly expressing love for each other in the most beautiful way.
I watched the group photo being taken after the ceremony, hearing the Aunt’s laugher ring out. I smiled as my tears threatened to spill down my cheeks & I couldn’t take my eyes from her.
I once again gained my composure, said my goodbyes, got into my car. 
And sobbed.

I wasn’t expecting grief to raise its head so keenly 16 years after Vera’s death. I was so grateful to be reminded of her so deeply.

Grief is many things. I am constantly learning new things about it. From it.

There aren’t many wedding ceremonies I conduct where there isn’t a recent death, or a loved one/s to be acknowledged, remembered and honoured. I’ve had weddings moved forward in the hope that dying family members and friends can attend. Those celebrations have included what I now know is called ‘pre-emptive grief’
I’ve had weddings postponed due to miscarriage and death of children, death from cancer, suicide, accidents, all manner of death.

The point I’m trying to get across here?
Celebration is more often than not tinged with grief.
We feel our losses more keenly during significant life events. I have never had a couple regret honouring the people who have passed in their wedding ceremony. For some, it feels very natural and normal. For some, it takes great amounts of courage. I would encourage, if it feels right, to always be courageous and vulnerable in these significant moments. 
You won’t regret it.