Should my child go to the funeral?
As a funeral celebrant in Brisbane I recommend that generally yes, it is ok and important for children to attend funerals.
Parents often worry that it is harmful to their children to attend a funeral. Parents may feel the need to protect their children from pain- not realising that involving children in our end-of-life rituals is healing and therapeutic for them - as it is for adults.
Funerals are important family and community rituals. When they are done thoughtfully, and inclusively and are well planned, they can be very healing events.
Funerals and memorials provide comfort and reminders that grieving is normal.
Funerals reinforce the reality that death is part of life.
This understanding is important for us all to learn early.
How do I prepare my children for the funeral?
If you do decide to take your child to the funeral, set aside time to prepare them for the experience. Do this by explaining what to expect in developmentally appropriate language.
Things to discuss with Children before attending a funeral or memorial:
Describe what the day will be like.
Where the event will take place, how it will look and sound, and smell (there may be incense and other smells they are unfamiliar with) and how many people will be there.
There will be a coffin with the body inside or an urn containing the ashes and perhaps photos and memorabilia and flowers.
There may be a lot or just a few people there. There may be a lot of people you don’t know who want to talk to them.
There will probably be many people crying, some will cry loudly.
It’s Ok to laugh and smile at the funny stories and memories shared.
If they feel unsure or uncomfortable reassure them they are free to ask questions or to ask to be removed from the space if it’s feeling overwhelming.
If you are concerned about the child’s ability to sit still at a funeral make arrangements for a trusted person to take them outside to run around or have a snack, a drink of water or go to the toilet. Bring quiet toys or colouring-in or sticker books for them.
There are many ways to involve children in end-of-life ceremonies. As a celebrant,
I have facilitated many beautiful tributes by children at funerals and memorials.
In our Western society, there is so much fear and denial around death and grief.
The more our children are included in our conversations and rituals, the quicker they will see that it is a normal - albeit painful part of life.
Each child may react differently to death and the circumstance surrounding it. Like adults, some children express sadness, frustration, fear, deep sorrow, etc.
This is all normal.
Sometimes children seem like they’re unaffected and that’s normal, too. Kids grieve incrementally- happily playing one moment and then having an outburst of sadness the next.
Depending on their age, a child will have a unique capacity to understand the permanence of death.
Remember, death is a normal part of life. Grief is a normal part of life.
The more we include children, in age and personality-appropriate ways in our conversations and rituals, the more prepared and able they will be to deal with the sadness and grief that will continue in their lives.